Breathe

It's Friday. I'm having a late breakfast of tea and toast. I have plenty to do today, but none of the work is urgent as it has been over the last several weeks. Time to take a breath. There, I'm breathing. Looming in my mind is one task that I'm excited to tackle but also scared to begin: writing out my 2011 goals.

I have this nervous, tense feeling in my stomach. Taking deep breaths helps until I remember that I'm holding my breath again. Why am I so worried, tense and confused? Ah huh! I'm reaching my goals that I set out for myself in 2010. No, better yet, I've surpassed my goals! Success - that's what's scaring me! Why? Why do I have to be one of those people who feels so easily overwhelmed?

Just last week, a client experienced a snafu with her print order. This wasn't my fault, but I like to blame myself for everything - pretty egotistical, right? To think that I have something to do with everything. And it's also pretty nutty that I think there always has to be *blame* associated with a mistake. The truth is it was a simple misunderstanding. NOT A BIG DEAL! But I MADE IT A BIG DEAL on myself for a good hour. Well, this high powered ego of mine cripples me. The truth is my successes far outweigh my mistakes. Wow, is THAT hard for me to digest! In January of 2010 my goals were to pursue my photography with more zest, to continue doing non-profit work and to travel. Vague, simple goals. Well, I didn't just spice up my photography life, I quit my full time job and began my own photo portrait business. And that non-profit work... it is now an official 501c3 called Bridges of Promise and we're about to become a part of LICA. The traveling - okay, I didn't exceed there. But I did go to the east coast a couple times this year to visit family and to help my dad through hip surgery. That's more than a fair trade, I believe.

But those mistakes that I've made - they knock me down. Yes, I pick myself up quite quickly, but I walk around with five tons of bricks on my back. You know that cliche, "I wear the weight of the world on my shoulders." That's me! Maybe I could put it into a different perspective - I've learned ALOT this year. Now, it's up to me to have the strength to put these lessons into practice. Being humble is not the same as being humiliated. There's an important difference.

There, I feel a little better. Writing it out is good. When I put my *small* problems into their proper perspective, I realize that I'm distracting myself from what's truly important. I think about the children in Tanzania who have lost their parents to AIDS whose elderly grandmother who can not walk well takes them to kindergarden every day. They attend a school that has no walls. Yes, the perspective comes quite clearly, and I remind myself that faith in myself, rejoice in any success I'm blessed with is reason to feel appreciation, gratitude and hope. If I succeed, I can help others to succeed. If I actively practice my faith, the rest is in God's hands. Really, all I have to do is show up and put one foot in front of the other. I don't have to be perfect. I can just be.

Now, I hope that this helps me to lighten up. Alessandro and I have been working really hard this year. He is the most amazing partner. Yep, I'm tearing up as I type that! I never knew. I truly never knew that two people could be so supportive of one another. I hope we can take a little down time this week to relax, to reflect and to feel at peace. And my other big wish is that we see the show Cavalia together during Christmas.

Just for this moment, I no longer feel worried, tense and confused. Phew! And even when I do feel that way again, because I will, very shortly, I'm sure of it. I can always turn it over to God like I did here. Again and again as many times as I need to.... and breathe.