Breathe

It's Friday. I'm having a late breakfast of tea and toast. I have plenty to do today, but none of the work is urgent as it has been over the last several weeks. Time to take a breath. There, I'm breathing. Looming in my mind is one task that I'm excited to tackle but also scared to begin: writing out my 2011 goals.

I have this nervous, tense feeling in my stomach. Taking deep breaths helps until I remember that I'm holding my breath again. Why am I so worried, tense and confused? Ah huh! I'm reaching my goals that I set out for myself in 2010. No, better yet, I've surpassed my goals! Success - that's what's scaring me! Why? Why do I have to be one of those people who feels so easily overwhelmed?

Just last week, a client experienced a snafu with her print order. This wasn't my fault, but I like to blame myself for everything - pretty egotistical, right? To think that I have something to do with everything. And it's also pretty nutty that I think there always has to be *blame* associated with a mistake. The truth is it was a simple misunderstanding. NOT A BIG DEAL! But I MADE IT A BIG DEAL on myself for a good hour. Well, this high powered ego of mine cripples me. The truth is my successes far outweigh my mistakes. Wow, is THAT hard for me to digest! In January of 2010 my goals were to pursue my photography with more zest, to continue doing non-profit work and to travel. Vague, simple goals. Well, I didn't just spice up my photography life, I quit my full time job and began my own photo portrait business. And that non-profit work... it is now an official 501c3 called Bridges of Promise and we're about to become a part of LICA. The traveling - okay, I didn't exceed there. But I did go to the east coast a couple times this year to visit family and to help my dad through hip surgery. That's more than a fair trade, I believe.

But those mistakes that I've made - they knock me down. Yes, I pick myself up quite quickly, but I walk around with five tons of bricks on my back. You know that cliche, "I wear the weight of the world on my shoulders." That's me! Maybe I could put it into a different perspective - I've learned ALOT this year. Now, it's up to me to have the strength to put these lessons into practice. Being humble is not the same as being humiliated. There's an important difference.

There, I feel a little better. Writing it out is good. When I put my *small* problems into their proper perspective, I realize that I'm distracting myself from what's truly important. I think about the children in Tanzania who have lost their parents to AIDS whose elderly grandmother who can not walk well takes them to kindergarden every day. They attend a school that has no walls. Yes, the perspective comes quite clearly, and I remind myself that faith in myself, rejoice in any success I'm blessed with is reason to feel appreciation, gratitude and hope. If I succeed, I can help others to succeed. If I actively practice my faith, the rest is in God's hands. Really, all I have to do is show up and put one foot in front of the other. I don't have to be perfect. I can just be.

Now, I hope that this helps me to lighten up. Alessandro and I have been working really hard this year. He is the most amazing partner. Yep, I'm tearing up as I type that! I never knew. I truly never knew that two people could be so supportive of one another. I hope we can take a little down time this week to relax, to reflect and to feel at peace. And my other big wish is that we see the show Cavalia together during Christmas.

Just for this moment, I no longer feel worried, tense and confused. Phew! And even when I do feel that way again, because I will, very shortly, I'm sure of it. I can always turn it over to God like I did here. Again and again as many times as I need to.... and breathe.

PK Part II

I could have done a million other things today, but I processed PK Part II. It was my way of procrastinating organizing my office. Now, to finish our Christmas cards!!

And the team being silly for the camera!

Photographer: Sandra Fazzino, bottom left

Producer: Sandra Jones, bottom right

Model: PK, top right

Hair and Make up: Asal, www.asalbeauty.com, top left

PK Part I

If I were a person of few words, I would simply write these nine letters: b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l. Unfortunately, for many, I'm not. I need to tell you the little story of our test shoot. For months, PK and I have wanted to test together. This is something photographers and models do to keep busy during down time, to work on ideas that have been swimming around in our heads, and to keep our books fresh. Once PK found it within herself to stay in town (I'm teasing you, girlfriend!), we booked a date and made it happen with the help of an amazing producer, Sandra Jones, and a very talented make up artist, Asal (www.AsalBeauty.com.) There we were on the side of Route 37 in Sonoma, our trunks popped open, music pumpin', hot tea poring into our cups, baguettes, prosciutto crudo, caramel toffee treats, hair spray, camera gear, and clothes. Do we know how to do it in style, or what? We broke our day up into two sessions: the black and white tight shots as shown here, and the color full length shots which I will post later. Enough can not be said for how good it felt to be in the company of these talented and professional women. Enjoy, and please come back for a peek at part two!

A Reflection of Christmas

Before I begin another busy week, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on Christmas. Now, I do go to church with my husband on the weekends, and we do openly discuss God and all of the blessings he puts in our life. And we also keep each other in check. We practice tough love daily. I'll paint the picture: it's kind of like something between Mr. and Mrs. Costanza on Seinfeld and the Castorini family in Moonstruck. It's true. No sooner do I pray to be patient and respectful with my husband after taking holy communion, I'm sass mouthing him over something so unimportant by the time we arrive to the car to ride home. Ie.: Alessandro: "I'm going to make ragu today." Me: "Oh yeah, does that mean you'll be leaving a pile of dishes for me when I come home tonight?!" Alessandro: "Don't sass me! I'll take care of the frrriggin' dishes!" (He has that italian accent, so he rolls his r's.) Meanwhile, I'm totally not showing how grateful I am that he's cooking! Luckily, he gets me. So, we smile, kiss and make up. Man, THAT is such a blessing!

I make so many mistakes day to day, week to week, and I pray for the ability to forgive myself and others and to do better the next time - to find clarity - to find peace with my shortcomings. As I was sitting in mass during this past rainy Sunday, I heard what is said at almost every service, "God knows that our faith is greater than our sins." Those words are so comforting to me. And how grateful I am that today peace and faith fill my heart and our home despite life's hardships, hiccups and just plain day-to-day yuck.

On a very personal note, the day-to-day in my home growing up - not so hot. Let's just say there was plenty of sassin' but no sign of any smiles or hugs that followed. There may have been, oh I don't know, a whole in the wall or a broken down door. Suffice it to say, making up was hard to do for my parents. BUT I am ever so grateful to them, because at Christmas time all hostilities were laid aside. Instead, we would spend hours walking through the snow to find the perfect tree. I, high atop my father's shoulders inspecting the specimens from above. Then, admiring the mechanics of the saw chopping down the tall, chubby pine. Once home, with Christmas music in full swing listening to everything from Elvis to Alvin and the Chipmunks, we would decorate the tree together. This was our tradition. It's taken some patience and compromise on both our parts, but now my husband and I carry on this tradition, and it makes me SO happy.

During Christmas, I become even more aware of these blessings and how much my faith plays such an important part in my feelings of safety, serenity, and most importantly hope. As the delicate dove that is perched upon our tree symbolizes the peace in our home... may faith, peace and love dwell in your home, too.

Kiran + Co.

Are you as intrigued by the name as I am? The boy's name Kiran is pronounced keer-an. It is of Hindi and Sanskrit origin, and the meaning of Kiran is "beam of light". I'm here to tell you that Kiran's name is very fitting. He certainly moves at the speed of light! I could hardly keep up with this pint size ball of energy. He was on a mission to somewhere, but as soon as he would arrive to that somewhere, he was off again. Two of my favorite names are Lucia and Luciano. Both are Italian names and mean light. Notice that one of the family shots has flare - well, that is my creative liberty paying homage to Kiran's name and it's beautiful meaning. May you always live in the light of all that's good, Kiran. Such a pleasure to meet you!